Thursday, 4 June 2009

I'm Planning to Make Plans of Plans

My whole life has revolved around plans, I used to list things obsessively, time my day down to the second, everything would be written out nice and tidily ready for order to just follow of it's own accord. But it never did, because as well organised my intention was, my execution is always and will always be chaotic to say the least. I went through school and fell into university, largely because I didn't seriously consider any other option, as of Friday my life "plan" comes to an end. I never thought to plan past university, surely then everything falls into place? Apparently not.

I used to have such hopes and ambition, and I planned to follow it, but I never saw it through. Prudence got the better of me, not that Philosophy can be considered a terribly usedul subject, but at least it has some element of structure, some basis for intellect, people are interested in the whats and the whys regarding it. I wanted to be something special and as I got older I kept saying it was too late, when I was still in primary school I thought I was too old to start doing things, my age has always found some way of embarrassing me no matter what age I was. I don't know why I thought my life was over before it had even begun.

Myself, my Mum, Auntie and Nana laughed in the garden today that my Papa wanted us to be the Von Trap family, he would love to hear us sing, he adored it, and he's a hard man to please. He was always stern when I did concerts, he had no fear in chastising a 9 year old child when she was off or out of time, he did it because he wanted her to be the best. He drove me to the School of Music every Saturday for three years, he was the only one who came to ALL my concerts, I never remember Papa missing one, my own father has never heard me sing despite the fact that until I was 16 I was doing shows, recitals etc at least every other month, but dad never wanted to go. Papa went to everything. Papa told me I would be in West End, I would be a leading lady, or an opera soloist, whatever I wanted. Until I gave up, and now I don't sing anymore.

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